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So, the story started when I found a guy from modern dating apps.
He ‘liked’ me first and I scrolled down his bio which is quite good and trusting enough for me to ‘liked’ him back.
First, he chat me via apps but I replied 1 or 2 days after since I quite busy at that time and the other reason is I’m a bit tired with the apps because it always lead me into disappointment.
But time after time, he finally asked my number to chat via Whatsapp and yet I thought he did not take me seriously enough because he didn’t chat me directly soon after I gave him my number and it took a while for him as well to reply my text back.
However, at that time I traveled with my friends to Japan and soon after that I don’t know why we started to chat continuously and I did feel there was some connection between us.
Although there was a time that he went ghost, it did not take long enough for him to say hi again to me. Everything seems so perfect at that time, He offered me a ride home when I got back to Jakarta and the way he texted me getting more intense I guess.
Soon after the ride and all the souvenirs or gift things ended, everything started to fall apart that he just went ghost again. The first day it happened, my mind was fully loaded with ‘What If’ and all the ideas and reasons why he did that to me.
Truly, I don’t really blame him for doing that because I came to realize that maybe it was just and only me who felt these sparkles of emotion flowing inside my heart in the first place.
All I blame is all the similarities we have, all the sweet talks we had and overall I blamed myself for falling in love with stranger so easily.
But thankfully enough, I have my support system that always remind me and said ‘If he takes you seriously, he will look for / text you no matter what‘. Soon after that I realized that I must know my worth and why I need to spent my time and energy thinking about him when he doesn’t at all. I know it will be hard to forget someone who you think he is the one but it turned out he doesn’t exactly feel the same way as yours, and honestly I’m still struggling as well but I’m slowly learning to accept the fact and to always remember that I deserve someone better, someone who doesn’t wasting your time and energy to know that you’re precious to him.
And I found a reading that really motivate me to get over him soon as possible.
Hope this words can motivate you guys too.
It’s difficult to admit we were on completely different pages the entire time. I thought of you in one way and you thought of me in another way. Looking back, you clearly wanted nothing to do with me as a person. You were never interested in developing a friendship and I have to accept that fact.
But that is okay.
I’m not going to chase after your friendship, I’m not going to drown you with messages, hoping you give me more than a one-word answer this time. I’m not going to track you down and force you to pay attention to me.
If you don’t want a place in my world, you can leave. I’m might hate and sad about it but I’m not going to stop you.
In the end, I’m not upset that we never had the chance to develop our relationship but I’m upset that we aren’t friends anymore and apparently we were never even friends in the first place.
You could send me a text message with only one or two words and I will still overthink what your sentence meant. You could smile at me from across a crowded room and I will overthink what the look meant. I wish I knew what other people were thinking because I spend so much of my time trying to read their minds.
I’m sorry if my overthinking makes me difficult to love. I’m not trying to cause drama where none exists. I’m only trying to protect my heart.
I don’t want to be the person who gets blindsided when their partner cheats. I don’t want to overlook the red flags. I don’t want to be caught off guard. I would rather see the betrayal coming. I would rather know what is waiting for me down the road.
Since I’m so worried about the what ifs, I pay too much attention to detail. I will notice the slight change in your tone and instead of assuming that you must be tired or had a stressful day at work, I will assume that you are mad at me. That you are hiding something from me. That you want nothing to do with me.
I come across as sensitive because I make a big deal out of things that shouldn’t have been given a second thought. You will make a bad joke, and instead of brushing it off, I will overthink what the words meant. The tiniest problem will snowball into me wondering whether you secretly can’t stand me.
I’m always ready for things to go wrong. I’m always on edge, observing the people around me to prepare for what happens next.
Even if a relationship is going perfectly well, I will make a list in my head of all the ways it could fall apart. I could get ghosted. I could get cheated on. I could get dumped. I could have my heart shattered and spend years trying to jam the broken pieces back into place.
When the world brings me too much happiness at once, I get suspicious. I assume something horrible is about to happen to balance out my emotions.
When I’m in the shower or driving in my car, I will have arguments with you inside of my head. I will imagine all of the things you might say to me when we talk for real. I might accidentally get mad at you, even though you haven’t done anything wrong yet. I might make myself more paranoid than I have any right to be.
I’m sorry if I become quiet after the smallest thing goes wrong. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m always overreacting. I’m sorry if my overthinking makes me difficult to love.
I’ve been trying to follow my head instead of my heart because I have been hurt before and I’m scared it’s going to happen again. I’m scared you are going to leave. I’m scared you are going to break me apart like all the others who came before you.
First of all, thanks for visiting my blog.
Hope you guys enjoy it.
Yes, never believe that I finally start to write a blog in my life.
If you know me very well, I’m just such a lazy girl and like to do nothing at all.
But life goes on and I will dedicated this first post to my dogs since I’m an animal lover.
Please let me introduce you to my very first dog that I had, Choco.
Choco is a very playful dog, you can also say that it’s quite hyperactive but Choco has a lovely side and really smart as well. However, I cannot keep him longer than 1 year since my family is against it since many of my housemaids are resign because of the dog though I love him so much. Thus, we decided to give him to my sister’s friend and until now I only saw him once after we separated.
But, I always hope that he’s still alive and has a happy life out there.
And now, I’m going to introduce you to my 2nd pet, his name is Mochiko that just passed away recently this year.
Chiko was literally lived in our house in Bandung for almost 10 years since we bought him at the pet shop when he was just 3 months old. I really treasured him so much because we grew up together and he was a sneaky yet adorable dog for me.
But, I did feel guilty to him because I need to study abroad for almost 4 years in Singapore and could not see him often.
And now that he’s gone forever, I felt like I lost my purpose anymore to come back to Bandung very often.
However back to the topic, it’s been my long-time dream that I want to build something like a shelter for animals or join any kind of volunteers things. If you ask me the reason behind this, I also don’t know what the answer is. But I once thought that maybe the reason is I did feel guilty to my both dogs because I never fully raised and took care of them until they’re gone.
But once again, life goes on.
I knew for sure that my feeling of regret and guilty cannot change anything in the past. Thus, one day if I finally fulfill this my long – time dream, I hope you guys can join me to raise the fund and take care of them in the shelter or join the volunteers program together with me!